It happened to me.

There have been a few times in life when I heard a sad story and in the back of my mind a voice that I almost didn’t know belonged to me would say, “that won’t ever happen to me”.

 Maybe you’ve even heard that voice too.

The first time was when my sister died in a car accident at 23. I knew other families that lost their daughters and siblings in car accidents and it was sad and unimaginable, but it wouldn’t ever happen in my family. And then it did.

It happened again during my first pregnancy. I skipped over the part about Caesareans in “What to Expect” telling my family I knew I wouldn’t ever need to have a C-Section, and then I did.

Then my daughter was born with a rare genetic condition and that really threw me for a loop. We get over these hurdles, we talk about them, we grieve them, and then we get on with our lives.

 And I got through this, but it has to be said that this too, threw me for a loop.

I knew my period was approaching, but I took a pregnancy test anyways. Maybe something in me just knew. It said negative though and sure enough later that day I got my period. It lasted only a couple days and thinking back it was lighter than usual. A couple days later I couldn’t imagine my bad luck when I came down with the flu for the second time this winter.  Then there was nothing until the morning I woke up with what I thought was a period again just over a week later. I called the Health Link number I was given when we had our daughter and they said what I had dismissed, maybe I was pregnant. Then they said another word I never thought I would hear, miscarriage.

I took another pregnancy test and it said positive creating an exciting possibility of a baby. But, I kept bleeding. The doctor we saw said it is possible to spot and even lose clots and continue on to have a healthy pregnancy. About half of women do, but something in me knew it didn’t seem right.

I’ve known other women who miscarried and I might have even heard them says this, but for some reason I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was longer than a day long process. I didn’t know that even though we weren’t trying or even really ready I would still need to grieve the loss of baby I didn’t know was growing inside me. I didn’t know it would take a couple trips to the hospital, blood tests, an ultrasound, and how hard the waiting would be. Waiting to know if the pregnancy would progress, if the bleeding would stop, or if it wouldn’t. I didn’t know when they called to say I was an “8” that it meant on a scale of 0-25 that’s how much pregnancy hormone was in my body and what that really meant. I didn’t know that a piece of my heart would race with the possibility of another baby playing over details of what that would mean in our lives.

 I didn’t consider the hormones racing through my body from carrying and then losing a baby and the impact that would play on my emotions, or the impact the cramping and loss of blood would have on my body. I guess what I am getting at is that, I just didn’t know and I never thought it would happen to me, but it did.

This post is for all women who’ve gone through this before me and will go through it after me. For the woman who miscarried at five weeks and at five months. For the ones that tell themselves “it won’t happen to me” and how awful it feels when it actually does.  

We Took Our Albinism Baby to Jamaica

So much has happened since I lasted popped onto my blog. First, we took our Albinism baby to Jamaica. It was for my husbands sisters wedding, so it was a necessity that terrified me, but went surprisingly well. I was worried she would cry in torture from bright sunshine, get a sunburn, hate the heat, the list goes on. Instead, she seemed to not mind the sunlight at all squinting when she needed, seeking refuge under a UV protected floppy hat, had fun in the shade, and swam in the late afternoon protected by clouds, a full body UV spf 50 swimsuit, and several lathers of SPF 100 sunscreen. She ended up with the runs for most of the trip and whether that was from heat, or different foods (or a pina colada or two) coming through in my milk we will never know, but not even that seemed to phase her. She did great on the 7 hour plane rides through terrible turbulence and slept fairly well in the hap hazard playpen the resort supplied with thick piled blankets in place of a mattress. We spent a lot of the days on our balcony, so we were happy to have a corner bottom floor room where we could chat with our passing familiar guests and enjoy some sunshine while Scottie napped in our room, or we all would hang out there protected from the glaring morning sun. We formed a pretty solid routine of waking up, feeding her breast milk/cereal we packed, lathering sunscreen, getting her in UV protected clothes, and going for breakfast where she would play in the little umbrella stroller we brought (which I would not recommend. Next trip, I will be splurging on a better umbrella stroller where the next baby can lay down for naps instead of always having to go back to the room). After breakfast & visiting we would go back to the room for her morning nap, then we would do the same routine for lunch and a second nap, but by 3pm the sun would start to set and we would take her to the pool for  a dip and she loved the water. The time change also helped us out a lot because she could stay up later and come to supper with us which was so nice. All in all I would say the trip was a success even though I am not sure I would take any baby, let alone one with Albinism to an inclusive sunshine destination anytime soon. We kept saying we wish we was old enough to know what presents were because we wanted to spoil her for being so so good the whole time.She was the best little baby ever and the sweetest flower girl there ever was!