Maybe you’ve even
heard that voice too.
The first time was when my sister died in a car accident at
23. I knew other families that lost their daughters and siblings in car
accidents and it was sad and unimaginable, but it wouldn’t ever happen in my
family. And then it did.
It happened again during my first pregnancy. I skipped over the
part about Caesareans in “What to Expect” telling my family I knew I wouldn’t
ever need to have a C-Section, and then I did.
Then my daughter was born with a rare genetic condition and
that really threw me for a loop. We get over these hurdles, we talk about them,
we grieve them, and then we get on with our lives.
And I got through
this, but it has to be said that this too, threw me for a loop.
I knew my period was approaching, but I took a pregnancy
test anyways. Maybe something in me just knew. It said negative though and sure
enough later that day I got my period. It lasted only a couple days and
thinking back it was lighter than usual. A couple days later I couldn’t imagine
my bad luck when I came down with the flu for the second time this winter. Then there was nothing until the morning I
woke up with what I thought was a period again just over a week later. I called
the Health Link number I was given when we had our daughter and they said what
I had dismissed, maybe I was pregnant. Then they said another word I never
thought I would hear, miscarriage.
I took another pregnancy test and it said positive creating
an exciting possibility of a baby. But, I kept bleeding. The doctor we saw said
it is possible to spot and even lose clots and continue on to have a healthy
pregnancy. About half of women do, but something in me knew it didn’t seem right.
I’ve known other women who miscarried and I might have even
heard them says this, but for some reason I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was
longer than a day long process. I didn’t know that even though we weren’t
trying or even really ready I would still need to grieve the loss of baby I
didn’t know was growing inside me. I didn’t know it would take a couple trips
to the hospital, blood tests, an ultrasound, and how hard the waiting would be.
Waiting to know if the pregnancy would progress, if the bleeding would stop,
or if it wouldn’t. I didn’t know when they called to say I was an “8” that it
meant on a scale of 0-25 that’s how much pregnancy hormone was in my body and
what that really meant. I didn’t know that a piece of my heart would race with the
possibility of another baby playing over details of what that would mean in our
lives.
I
didn’t consider the hormones racing through my body from carrying and then
losing a baby and the impact that would play on my emotions, or the impact the
cramping and loss of blood would have on my body. I guess what I am getting at
is that, I just didn’t know and I never thought it would happen to me, but it did.
This post is for all women who’ve gone through this before
me and will go through it after me. For the woman who miscarried at five weeks
and at five months. For the ones that tell themselves “it won’t happen to me”
and how awful it feels when it actually does.
